Thoughts and such

It is 10:45 and both of my kids are asleep so that is a huge victory oddly enough.  We’ve had 8″ of snow in the past week and now it is 65 degrees.  My kids were inside for days and refused to sleep.  Their schedules are so crazy!  Today I stayed home with my tiniest little because she’s getting over the crud.  So… I had a pretty hard day.

A lot of days have been pretty hard lately.  However, in these hard moments there are other moments.  Not necessarily good moments… but moments.  Moments that I can space out and think of things that don’t really matter I guess… or maybe they really do.  Anyway, I’ve decided to share some of those thoughts- so you can further believe I’ve completely lost my mind.

*Today I was in the kitchen and I felt a tiny breeze only around my ankles.  it was the most bizarre thing.  I immediately wondered if there was a spirit flying around the floor.  I pictured a super tiny one but realized that was ridiculous… it was likely one of my dead cats or something.  Or maybe it was my grandma messing with me.  I looked around but saw nothing and then it went away.  ::shrug::

*I asked my daughter to hold me today.  She said no.  Then she told me to cry.  I immediately burst into laughter because she is the sweetest and the craziest 2 year old I’ve ever met all at the same time.

*Also, birds.  I could write a book on birds.  It would be a book with likely NO bird facts whatsoever because I don’t know anything about birds… but I do think a lot of things about birds.  If you watch them fly they’re really working at it and then they kind of glide.  We don’t really have the equivalent to that.  We can’t just walk really fast and then glide… unless we’re on skates… or driving.  I guess we do have cars and skates and they don’t… but still.  Also, if the wind blows and a bird is flying against the wind and it throws him off course does he freak out?  What if he is afraid to fly?  Can birds be scared of heights?  Can birds be flying and then suddenly be totally afraid of flying?  Are birds ever super mindful and aware that they are flying and then forget how to do it?  Also, when there are birds flying all together and then they all suddenly change direction… why?  How do they know?  How do they know to all go the opposite way?  I really NEED to know.  Also, some birds are really big.  Uncomfortably big.  I’ve seen a few lately that I would assume would be in a zoo or something but they were actually just flying across the street to the gas station.  Toward the gas station… not to the gas station specifically.  Birds are wild.

*Cats.  Is my cat Sophia more cuddly now because she’s 9 or because she knows something I don’t.  When they cuddle my arm or lick my face are they trying to tell me something?  There was that nursing home cat that always flocked to the person that was about to go and so when my cats cuddle I love it and hate it.  Then I hate that I can’t enjoy the moment of my cat cuddling me without over-analyzing it and feeling paranoid.  Also, allergies.  Why the hell am I allergic to my own cats?

Finally, this morning an admin at my son’s school told me I couldn’t drive around the car pool lane anymore and park at the front of the school to drop my son off (even though I totally thought I was allowed to do that since he’s in Pre-K).  My son came home and told my husband that “mommy can’t take my to school anymore because Ms. Misty said that she couldn’t come around anymore…”  My husband questioned what he meant and my son said, “yeah, she can’t come around my school anymore.”  So… there you go.  I break the carpool line and now I sound like a criminal via my 4 year old’s amazing story telling abilities.

There is my update.  I applied for a ton of jobs today and have no idea what I want to do with my life.  Sometimes I’m thankful for these weird little moments that don’t mean anything at all…  because I can zone out and focus on something other than how I actually feel lately.. which isn’t so awesome.  Even so, I’m blessed.  Happy Monday.

 

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I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past

I have had one hell of a week.  One hell of a few weeks actually …or a few months or years… depending on when you want to start counting.

Yesterday I drove past a church and the sign said, “I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past.”  I thought… wow, that is very true.   I internalized that for a moment and realized that I feel that I am stronger than I’ve ever been before, yet I feel so defeated.  It was an interesting thing to contemplate.

So why have things been increasingly hard this week?  I’ll tell you.  I used to work for a company that does senior care.  Wow!  What a rewarding job that is… seriously.  I got to “meet” some of the sweetest seniors and had some of the greatest conversations.  I had excellent coworkers and felt very rewarded in what I was doing.  However, there were things that also stuck out to me that weren’t quite right. I won’t go into those details here because they’re personal and they will be dealt with but just trust that though I found a wonderful industry, I needed a better company.

I decided to put out applications and was delighted to hear from a seemingly wonderful company that was voted top 100 places to work last year!  I was so excited to advance my career with this company and continue to work out my passion of helping seniors, the disabled, etc.  Of course, before I applied for these positions I checked with the HR at my company to make sure there was nothing preventing me from doing so… and they said I was good to go.  I wasn’t good to go.  In my paperwork was a non-compete.  I have no recollection of signing it and am certain I didn’t know the extent of what it meant but that’s neither here nor there.  Long story short, my previous position stopped me from stepping into my new role.  She smiled as she handed me the document.

I consulted a lawyer and she told me that in NC it would be a very difficult, costly process to fight them.  And for whatever reason, I didn’t have it in me to fight them.  I felt that even though I’d been so wronged by these people trying to make an example of me… that the universe would work it all out in some way.

I’ve heard things here and there about them and I feel that they’re reaping what they’ve sowed I guess.. but more importantly… I’ve seen such generosity from others.  I saw my psychiatrist this week and had a wonderful talk with her.  I told her that everything felt like shit… things were shit and I felt like shit and …those were my exact words really.  She let me get them all out and she reassured me.  I really got connected with my psychiatrist after the birth of my daughter and what a blessing that was.  She genuinely cares about my well-being and is there for me through every stage.  I’ve raved about her this week because when you find a business that is truly wonderful, run by people that are genuine and pure in their intentions… it should be celebrated.

My daughter’s daycare reached out to me as well and told me they were willing to half her tuition for the next several months until I could find a job. WOW!  This is a very wonderful school and I believe it has a waiting list! She did not have to offer something so generous… but she did.  She told me that we were a good family and my daughter was a great kid.  She wanted to help out as MUCH as she could.

I’ve also had so many friends reach out to me during this time. I mean, seriously guys… Phone calls, texts, lunches… I have been so blessed with the connections I’ve made and the people I’ve come to know and love.  When shit sucks… I have friends all over the world sending me those good vibes, praying for me and checking on me.  I love you guys!

With that being said, even with the love and support and the very-necessary-perfectly-timed-generous-gestures… there are hard times.  There are really difficult times.  I cried the other night until I couldn’t cry anymore and then I fell asleep.  I woke up at 3 am and cried some more.  My 22 month old rolled over (co-sleeping for the win!) and in the silence of the middle of the night I heard the SWEETEST sound.  She said, “mommy.”  I looked at her and said, “hey baby… i’m sorry, go to sleep.”  She said, “mommy sick?”  I said… “no baby, just sad.  Mommy is okay. ”  She then sat up and said, “Mommy, let me hold you.”  My little perfect girl.  She held me and I couldn’t help but cry harder.  My baby is such a caretaker with a gentle, sweet, caring spirit and she knew what her mama needed.  So blessed.

This morning, my son didn’t want to go to school.  He told me there would be a fire drill… that school was cancelled, etc.  I took him there and told him I would ask the teacher if there was going to be a fire drill and if there was going to be one I would stay with him for as long as I was able to.  I got to the school and was surprised there was no fire drill.   I told him this and he stood there panicking.  He started pacing, digging at his arms and tearing up.  I sat there and held him and talked with him.  He then told his teacher that “mommy needs to work here.”  My heart fell into my stomach.  I realized that my sweet, perceptive, beautiful little boy was worried about my situation.  He had been worried about it all week and was trying to fix it.  I’d thought I’d been careful about discussing anything in depth with him… and explained everything “kid friendly,” but he is such a sweet soul.  Our souls are so connected I know he feels when things aren’t quite right.  My heart broke into a billion pieces as I had to walk away and let his teacher help him cope/breathe/relax and adapt.  I knew it was the best thing but I sat there in the car crying and staring at the rain beating the windshield for 45 minutes… frozen.  I couldn’t leave… but I knew I probably shouldn’t stay and all I wanted to do was tell these people that they’d ruined everything… and now my kids?!

I called my husband over and over and over and tried to get him to talk me down but then I called my former employer.  I wanted to tell her what this was causing… that the loss in income was the LEAST of my worries at the moment… all I cared about was making my child feel secure.  I wanted to say that what’s “Business” to you… is someone’s life… but I’ve said it all before.  Some people don’t change.  Nothing I say or do will make them feel any remorse for what they’ve put us through… but regardless, it shouldn’t matter anyway.

I am trying to stay calm, focused, and pure.  My heart aches but I’ve utilized many resources.  I’ve called my parents, my friends, my husband, my psychiatrist, the crisis hotline, etc.  I’ve tried to find inspiration in little moments and encouragement in everyday things that maybe I wouldn’t have noticed before.  I do find that so much negative makes you really, really appreciate and see the positive.  It becomes quite clear and in focus.  It was always there and is always there but sometimes you have to go through some things to really see it.

I am blessed beyond measure.  I’ve always been taken care of and I always will be.  My children are pure, beautiful, caring, kind, amazing humans.  My husband and I are doing a FANTASTIC job of raising beautiful, loving people.  I can say that honestly and therefore I have everything.  I have a lot of work to do.  I have to start with what is most important and work my way out.  I need to protect my kids and help heal their hearts and minds… focus on finding a new job and calming myself.   Each day I have to remind myself that it IS worth it… and that I am worth it.  Practicing self compassion is not something I am good at doing.  I am the first to beat myself up when it all goes to shit… but hey… maybe now is the time to work on it even more.

This post is long and I don’t even know where it started… but I had to write it.  I don’t even know if I’ll re-read it.  I just hope that if you read it… you practice kindness.  It makes a huge difference.

 

Two O one eight.

Hey everyone! Wow it has been a minute right?  Geez.  That working life is NO joke.  I get up at 6:30, shower, feed the babies breakfast, pack lunches, grab a coffee, drop the baby off at daycare and go to work.  What a crazy 5 months it has been.

I am currently transitioning to a new job… that is a whole post in itself… but definitely for another time.

One thing I realized after going back to work is that… I enjoy socializing with adults!  Even though I am quite childish haha… I really enjoyed getting to know my coworkers and catching up on some adult conversation.  I missed my kiddos but realized that they are THRIVING in their school/daycares.  They get to run and play and socialize and it really just worked out quite wonderfully.

With that being said, 2018 has started out a bit dicey… so I’m going to take a moment to post a about my resolutions:

1- Meditate daily.  This is so important guys.  I really failed with the meditation deal in 2017 and it is 1000% necessary.  I put on a few sleep meditations when putting my son to sleep last night, and though it didn’t work for a 4 year old who was very stir crazy from being inside due to snow/below freezing temps for 1 week, it was very relaxing and I noticed it kept him much calmer while going to sleep!

2- Medication.  I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and hoping to get on a better medication.  I have been so thankful to Prozac for all of its OCD help but I believe there may be another drug out there that can help me out a little more.  I tried tapering off for a bit but it was unsuccessful.  This does not mean I am a failure.  This means that just like any other illness, I have to work at treating it.

3- Cooking.  I need to cook more!  This past weekend I made a delicious GRAIN FREE, banana/chocolate chip bread and Shepherd’s pie!  They were both pretty good! Oh yeah, and I made pork chops!  I have had so much anxiety recently and cooking has been a good way to channel that little bit of crazy.

4- Water.  I feel like there have been times in my life I was the ultimate spokesperson for water, however, recently I’ve not been as wonderful at hydrating!! I purchased a water bottle from amazon that helps me remember to drink water every hour and I hope to keep it up!  Water is so essential!

5- Spend less money.  I am a Target, Amazon, Starbucks addict.  Last year I wanted to do a post called a “SAT” out… where I boycott Target, Amazon and Starbucks for my own health and wellness lol… but I was too weak!  I hope that I can do this soon… however, I equate this to having a food addiction almost.  I mean, you can’t stop cold turkey because you still need things like… toilet paper, or medications.  It is hard!  I have set a limit for starbucks though…and hope I can keep at it.  I am dangerously close to it so far though …so …things aren’t looking swell.  Its okay!

Okay, so there is my small update.  I am still around and still very much interested in maintaining this blog!  However, things have been SO busy.  Maybe meditation will help me with my blog goals!

What goals have you set for yourself in 2018?  <3.